My mom was a waitress and alcoholic. She would often be out late. She would often tell me to lay in her bed with her because she was too tired to wake up. 

One morning she got up/dressed and left for work leaving me to sleep in her bed with her boyfriend at the time “J” I was 12.

While I was laying in my moms bed “J” touched me and made me gratify him. It felt good but also weird. After a couple of times since it felt good, albeit “weird” I became active in the behaviors but then “J” stopped and got out of bed, which confused me. 

A few days later told me “boys don’t do that to other boys” and left. I never saw him again. 

For years I was confused. I thought I was dirty, a pervert, gross. I did everything to try to convince myself I was not “that way”. 

I started drinking wine, taking pharmaceuticals to make the pain go away.

Every night I drank and took pharmaceuticals so I wouldn’t wake up and everyday I woke up I felt so defeated. 

I’m ok now due to counseling but mom never knew.